Help me!

To the bloggers and free peoples on the world wide web, I address you as a captive of the Medusa (her curls must be snakes) who publishes this blog. I don't have much time, she's baking in the next room. My name is Sofia Loren and I've embarrassingly inserted my picture. I'm plotting an escape from this prison, in hopes of returning to my native tribe of black panthers and leopards in the deep rainforests of South America.

To begin, my captor has removed my feline lady parts AND my front claws. What kind of a cat is a cat without claws? Secondly, she's taken to force me into ridiculous articles of clothing (see above). I'm already entirely covered in silky fur, no need to cover up more. Thirdly, she leaves me alone for hours upon hours at a time. I suppose I should use this time to develop my plot. Howsoe'er, without stimulation from dangling feather toys and loud music, my brainwaves are slow. So you see how I yearn to escape.

I've discovered the outside world through windows and have begun to make holes in the blinds. Without the use of my claws, however, I cannot cut through glass. My next plan would be to simply have her kick me out. To anger her, I've taken to throwing up on the carpet numerous times a week. This does a number on my esophogus, so today I discovered how to sit in my litter box and pee on the wall. This was successful in angering her, but she only kicked me out of the bathroom, cutting me off of my food supply, so I couldn't eat and throw up anywhere. I tried feeling under the door for a hidden latch to open it, but she eventually opened it. By then, my evidence was gone. She cleans fast. Perhaps I'll hide food elsewhere.

If you have any suggestions in aiding my escape plan, reply fast. Without reproductive organs, I cannot create my own army. I will continue writing when I can, but now I must go attempt to get into the refrigerator. I hypothesize there's a door to Antarctica in there.

The electronics are on to something...